Thoughts are Optional: How I found coaching and used it to escape my “Year of Rejection”
About five years ago, I was trapped in a cycle that almost every high-achieving woman in tech knows far too well. I had a massive dream: I wanted to land a role at a major tech company working in product or technical program management. I had spent years looking for the right fit. I would get deep into interview loops, meet with VPs, and feel like I was right on the cusp of a breakthrough, only to ultimately get a "no."
To make matters worse, my day job at the time was deeply stressful. Another person on my team had set out to alienate me from the rest of the group and make it as difficult as possible for me to be accepted.
I started calling it my "Year of Rejection." It carried an immense amount of emotional baggage, heaviness, and fatigue.
In my mind, those constant rejections felt like realistic, unshakeable evidence. My brain offered a very specific sentence on repeat: "You're really not good enough. You're never going to land your dream job, and maybe people just don't like you all that much."
Looking back, it sounds dramatic. But in the middle of it, that thought felt like 100% cold, hard truth.
Escaping the Hopelessness Loop: Clean Disappointment vs. Dirty Suffering
The breakthrough didn't come from forcing myself to read positive affirmations or reciting "fake it till you make it" slogans. The breakthrough came when I discovered coaching and learned how to use a simple self-coaching model called CTFAR (Circumstances, Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, and Returns).
I realized that circumstances were happening in my life: a job application didn't work out, or a colleague acted unprofessionally. Those were neutral facts. But I was layering a heavy meaning onto those facts and making them mean something terrible about my inherent worth.
When you think "I'm not good enough," that thought creates a feeling of hopelessness.
And here is the danger of the Hopelessness Loop: it's tough enough to walk into a high-stakes VP interview or a difficult team meeting with a neutral mindset. But walking into those rooms driven by hopelessness completely changes how you show up. You hold back, over-explain, act guarded, or expect rejection. You fail to project the calm, executive confidence the room is looking for, which leads to another "no," proving your negative thought right.
A job rejection creates natural, "clean" disappointment. But when you layer on "This means I'm defective," you create "dirty suffering" that traps you in the loop.
Navigating Job Rejection: Market Data vs. Personal Valuation
There are a million neutral reasons why a job interview doesn't land. A team might need a specific niche skill set, headcount budgets might freeze, or internal reorgs might shift the role's scope. None of those facts mean you don't have incredible experience.
A rejection is simply market data about a specific role's fit or timing. It is never a valuation of your capability or human worth.
Once I started applying self-coaching tools to separate facts from story, everything shifted. Within just a few months of practicing these techniques:
I landed my dream job at a large SaaS company.
I used these exact tools to get recognized and promoted into leadership.
I still use these tools today to navigate the complexities of running Williams Coaching and hosting Women Who Ship.
A 3-Step Self-Coaching Toolkit for Women in Tech
If you're facing a tough season at work or feeling stuck after a setback, here are three practical tools to retrain your brain:
1. Separate Facts from the Story: Next time a difficult situation happens at work, write down the circumstance in one neutral sentence (what a video camera would record). Then write down the exact story your mind layered on top. Ask yourself: "What feeling is this thought creating, and is it driving actions that sabotage me?"
2. Spot Your Blind Spots: When we are in our own drama, our brain acts like a lawyer, compiling an airtight case for why our negative story is "true." A coach acts as an external mirror to point out when you're buying into optional negative thought patterns and treating a story as an unchangeable fact.
3. Hold Space for What's Possible: You can't leap from hopelessness straight to toxic positivity ("I'm a superstar and I'm going to crush this interview!"), your brain rejects it as fake. Instead, use the Thought Ladder to find a sentence that is just 10% better and 100% believable in your body.
When I was in the middle of my job search, my true 10% better ladder thought was:
"Oh well, that didn't work out, but there are other opportunities out there for me."
Notice why that sentence works:
It acknowledges clean disappointment without drama ("Oh well, that didn't work out").
It cuts off dirty suffering (doesn't add "because I'm not good enough").
It opens just enough space for believable possibility ("there are other opportunities out there for me").
Stepping Off the Validation Rollercoaster
You don't have to wait for your brain to magically stop doubting you, and you don't have to wait for an external promotion to allow yourself to feel confident. You can start building self-trust on purpose by choosing thoughts that feel just 10% more supportive.
This week, take 15 minutes to run your own self-coaching audit. Pick one recent setback, write down the neutral fact, catch the story, and find your 10% better thought.
Let's stop letting fear take the wheel, and let's go ship some good stuff together.
Ready to take the next step and make sure your work actually gets noticed? Once you’ve managed the self-doubt, it’s time to build your visibility. Download my free Get Recognized at Work Playbook—a 5-step strategy designed specifically for women in tech to stop flying under the radar and start positioning themselves for their next promotion.
